|Posted by Dieuw on November 25, 2014 at 2:20 PM|
I will fight as long as it takes and no matter how much pain I still have to endure!
But what should I do when I finally know that to be loved will be impossible to achieve.
Finally just give up or at least keep fighting?
„We hate you“, Leave us alone“, „Don´t wanna waste our time with you“ well-known words I hear all the time. It's all about a happy family living happily together – but I’m left by myself.
I always feel like nobody cares about me and that nobody notices me.
When Uturned eight years old, I blew my birthday candle out, and I wished to get a hug from my family. Even nowadays I still have the same wish, at my birthday, for christmas, for new year´s day and even everytime when i´m sad or alone. But it never happened.
I only can watch like they treat e.g. my cousin, she has been loved and accepted for everything she does. So whatever I accomplished or for who I am, they made me live in hell ,I had never been shown any kind of love. A few years ago I took the courage to tell my parents that I´m gay - they laughed at me, insulted me and didn´t took it seriously.
Years passed by, in which I had to endure much suffering, because I carried it in silence. For every mistake and everything what happened they blamed me and punished me. Though i never defended myself and i was always trying my best to be “good” and nice.
Because i hardy believed that some day i will be loved, for all the things i do for them, and i didn’t fight for it.
Lately i had this confrontation with my parents, in which i finally spoke up for myself.
I wanted them to change the way they treated me. Instead they told me that they like it and they will never change. So i gave them a choice: They could stay and talk about it or they can leave trough the door and things will never be the same. They just left.
This was the moment i realized, i lost forever.
I never got love. And now, at last love has been taken from me forever.
From now on i don´t want to be the good and nice girl anymore. I want to fight back and treat them like the way the did all the years to me. So i turned „evil“.
Once upone a time always inspired me to believe and let me hope for finding love and happy endings. Especially Regina´s story about getting her true love. Regina tried so hard being good, that at last she found her true love and is loved by her son.
Now i can perfectly understand the pain she felt when her mother took her first love away. And the anger, why she wanted to harm people for that.
Evil isn´t born, it´s made.
Ironically Regina may lost her true love again at the season finale, but for her there may be some hope...
But i think that i will never find love or hope again.
Finally I cant live anymore with all this anger inside me. So I had a hard time struggeling with myself and my feelings. I almost wanted to take my life away, I wanted to commit suicide.
Now, i know how hard it is to fight this inner battle with my self. Always fighting against this big voice that tells you to give up and there’s only a small glimpse of hope that will keep you alive.
But with time passing by i learned to live with this being unloved issue.
So far I realised that you cant be loved by the wrong people and I am no longer „the evil one“
From now on I will live for the people who take me as i am and i enjoy life in every moment and appreciate all those little magical things that are happening.
Regina wont give on her happy ending and me neither, because her strength inspires me.
She want to change her story to give her self a happy ending, so i changed for now my goals, values and attitude in my life to discover the world in a new glamor.
So i may have lost the battle of being loved by my parents, but there are so many things in life which are worthy to fight for it. So i will never give up to find some love in this world.
And no matter how dark my world/life might get, theres always a way to move on.
As a new plan I will confront my parents again one day, so maybe i can at least live in peace with them, if the are willing to regret what they've done to me, because I realised that I don't have to give up on this one.
Theres still hope you only have to believe in yourself.